Wednesday, 17 April 2013

2012 asd log: entry 13

April 13th, 2012

Friday the 13th, no surprise that today has been a difficult day then I suppose, it's been predestined.

Ginny started the day by waking late. Then she became adimit she had to get into the george forman to scoop out bacon grease, even when it was on!! I had to fight to keep ker away from it while finishing up her breakfast. Next she stole a green crayon and egg full jelly beans out of the office because grandad left it open! The rest of the day had been a battleto get her to keep her trousers and nappy on which we haven't had a problem with in ages. Lastly she has felt the need to throw things all day long.

Breaking, throwing, stealing, smashing, smearing... the joys. Ginny has been out of her special undersuits for the last few weeks, couple of months actually, and today she thought she'd smear :(. I'm sure she would have probably resorted to eating it if I hadn't caught her just starting on the carpet after taking Mels to the toilet. Having a child that smears is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's just so hard to come to terms with because it seems so extreme. So unnatural. So revolting.

The first time Ginny smeared I will never forget. I was making lunch and the smell hit me first. It was so overpowering and to come into the conservatory and find Ginny covered in her own feces as well as the entire conservatory was beyond traumatic. I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do and I must of stood there repulsed for a minute before I snapped out of it and ran Ginny to the tub to scrub her down. Once she was clean I then bathed her and went to clean up the mess and throw away her clothes. I know I screamed. I know I cried. I felt so not ready. I felt completely defeated.

It was a one off that time and then months later Ginny went into a phase and I had to come up with ways to keep her away from her nappy. First it was leggings with a swimsuit over it and clothing. Then it was unitards. Then catsuits. Pretty soon we needed houdini suits for sleep because in the night she'd wake and cover her room. It was the worst phase I've faced so far and it lasted for months. I have no idea how we got through it. It became quite apparent that I'd developed mild traumatic anosmia because of my tolerance. I could no longer smell it, my mind had locked the capability away from the overexposure and I had become completely desensitized.

When Ginny got over it I found it strange. Dealing with it had just become another part of my jobs and now I was terrified that it may again happen but she's popped 3times and smeared once so I heavily doubt it. It was barely any but I still scrubbed for about an hour. You can't help it. It just seems so wrong. No matter how many times you wash the same spot you are sure you need to continue or do it again. That first time I gave Ginny a second wash after I finished tending to the house. I washed my hands every 5minutes, I just could not feel clean again. I used a bottle of disinfectant.

Today that was not the worst thing. Today her destructive nature took the cake and it was a dark day for me. The way she could destroy so much of her sisters things disgusted me more than the smearing. I hated her. She's my little girl and I felt genuine hate towards her, not for just me but for her sister and the sister that was not yet born. She destoyed things that were for both of them. I care when she destroys her own things but it's not fair on for the girls to have an older sibling that takes no regard and has no repect for thier things. Why should Melody be punished for Ginny? When she broke something that was for the baby and that was the last straw. How could her unborn sister already have to be disadvantaged because of Ginny?

I couldn't help the rage. I felt it boil up and about to explode, I had to push her out of the room and lock myself into the kitchen. I felt as if I had to look at her I would hurt her even though I knew she wasn't realizing she'd done anything wrong. I had to scream. I had to cry. I had to cool down and count back from 100 and then start again. I hated myself more than anything. I hated myself for the hate I had for Ginny. For the fact that at that moment the hate was not just towards her condition but towards her. I had to push try to bury the hate I felt for myself to keep myself from self harming. Today I felt like I just couldn't take it. I felt like I just couldn't take anything anymore. I felt like I just wanted out of life forever and I cried longer than I'd expected to.

Today I wanted to give up on life. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I just couldn't take another minute of it. I couldn't believe I was bringing another child into the world. I felt so selfish. I was so afraid. I was so afraid and I had no one. No family, a best friend thousands of miles away and a husband who'd be home late from work tonight like he always seems to be when I needed him. I felt so alone... and then she kicked me, she kicked and rolled and kicked again. The stress had gotten to her and she was damn well letting me know so I had no choice. I sang to her and walked around until she settled. Then I had a glass of water, washed my face and walked back into the living room.

Ginny was playing with some fabric and Melody was watching the aristocats. They both looked at me simultaneously. Melody said "hello mummy, cat cats" and then Ginny walked up to me smiling and lifted her arms out to me. They were oblivious what had happened. They were oblivious to what I had wanted to do to myself. They were oblivious to everything and that made me able to smile back and come down to Ginny's level for a cuddle which of course was an invitation for Mels to run over saying "me too, me too". I felt better after that cuddle. I squeezed them as if I'd never get another chance and they giggled. I gave them both kisses and got on with another load of washing.

I watched the house be dismantled and couldn't react. I moved around the house getting what I needed ready for dinner and lugging laundry around but I was numb. I knew that was the next step in this. I knew that's what had to follow my explosion so I could get by today. The schedule slid and nothing went in the order it normally did. My day ran late. Thre kids didn't get there dinner or to bed until an hour or more later than usual. It wasn't Just Ginny that desensitized me today. The day had been over all very stressful.

We had our offer accepted on a house but after the times that this has happened and fallen through it kicked off my nausea into gear big time. I was sick with worry. I just want to have a place sorted already so we can organize ourselves properly. Melody was displaying such brilliant creative play skills but the fact that Ginny lacked them entirely made it very difficult to deal with. The fact that I had loads more on my plate only to add a three year old wanting me to eat imaginary cupcakes every 4seconds didn't help either. Lastly I spent hours going through the files I could find to send off to the ukba for my ilr.

The particulars on types of mail and spacing throughout the last couple of years is enough to drive anyone mad, let alone a pregnant woman with raging hormones who is house hunting. The whole day has just been a miserable one. After dinner, I had a bath with the girls who had gone into we're-just-the-cutest-little-things-you've-ever-seen mode and were acting very sweet. I put a unitard under Ginny's pjs just to be on the safe side and sent her to hear her story with her sister.

They went to bed without a problem so I came downstairs to type up today's note and saw a notification that James had made one of my photos his profile pic. It was such an odd one to have chosen as it was from a holiday 3years ago and I hadn't seen it in ages. It is still one of my favourite pictures and seeing it again made me feel like everything had to be better tomorrow, after all there had been good times in the past and there had to be good times in the future, there had to be. As scarce as they may seem at times, they make the rest of the days worthwhile if you get to see another one.

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